Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin, 731 Hart Senate Office Building, Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin ,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service , I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill'sprovisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxesevery year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications , as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums . This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )

Donald RuppertBurlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040

Friday, March 27, 2009

I love my wife

Those that know me know that I have always been quite the ladies' man. I have dated a lot of girls and would say I know them pretty well. I met Jessica my junior year in college. She was a hot freshman and when I was walking past her on the road on my way to school, I couldn't help but start talking to her. The blond hair and blue eyes have always been a weakness of mine and when you add to that a perfect smile and a smokin body, you have some eye candy that is just to sweet to pass up. I started talking to her and although it was brief, I knew I was going to make sure we met again. 

It didn't take me long to realize there was something different about Jessica. I read people very well and the read I was getting from her was a lot different then any other read I had ever gotten. I later realized that this was the difference between the girls you date and the girls you marry. When I read Jessica I saw what kind of wife she would be, what kind of mother she would be, and what children we would have. I wouldn't claim to have had a vision but I knew exactly what our future would be. I saw the love, the beautiful children, and the eternity of happiness we would have. There wasn't a question of what our future would be like, just a question if we were going to take it. 

Jessica is a good girl in every sense of the word. She has a pure heart, clear mind, and beautiful spirit. In other words she was out of my league when it came to the quality of people we were. My reputation preceded me and Jessica was not ready to give me the light of day, and rightly so. My mission president always told me to marry up. Marry someone that is going to make you more than who you would be otherwise, was his advice. I don't think he ever guessed I would set my sights so high. Breaking the hearts of many others, I focused all my time and effort into charming Jessica.
Jessica had plenty of guys in her life at this time. She had missionaries coming home, childhood sweethearts, high school sweethearts, and other boys from school after her as well,  (If you are wondering why, go back and read paragraph one). So what would a guy like me have to do to win the heart of someone like her?!?! Let me just say that I am a one of a kind. You won't find anyone else out there like me and Jessica had never met anyone like me either.
When I want something, I do what it takes to get it. You can't substitute hard work and face time. I made a trip down to the registrar's office. I guess it's also fair to say here that I was a friendly guy that knew the benefits of geting buddy buddy with people in positions of usefulness. After a short coversation with the registrar, I walked out with Jessica's class schedule. This let me adjust my route to and from class so that I would have to pass right by Jessica multiple times. There is a law of percentages and it does work. Jessica was taking an astronomy class which required her to buy a star map as part of the course text. After years of dating girls, I know what girls want and I know how to give it to them, so in comes the charm! I go and buy the map and put it on her windshield with a note saying that I couldn't pass up the chance to give her the stars. I don't care who you are, that is going to win some points.
Then Jessica got sick. No one turns away soup and comfort when sick. Day after day, week after week, I worked my charm. Now I don't want you to get the idea that everything went smoothly or that Jessica made it easy on me. During all of this, I had to put up with Jessica turning me down every time I asked her out. I would be over at her apartment when her roommate and her decided to write "their missionaries." I continued to jump at any chance I could think of to see Jessica or do something sweet for her, all the while she wouldn't even be my friend. She tolerated me because I was always doing something nice for her.
One day it happened! We were in Jessica's kitchen, I don't remember exactly what we were doing but I would guess I was making something for her, and.... we kissed. I wouldn't say I kissed her but I would say I made her want to kiss me so bad that she couldn't not kiss me. There is no kissing me just once, it's like opening pandora's box. You would think there was a happily ever after at this point, but you'd be wrong. Yes we kissed and yes she couldn't stop kissing me, but her stubbornness in not dating a boy like me continued. The date rejections continued and so did my pursuit. I didn't let the fact that Jessica wouldn't commit to going out with me keep me from taking her places. She had to leave her apartment some time and I was going to make sure I was around to go with her and if she did stay home well, I'd be there too. An outsider might think I was a bit of a stalker and there might be some truth in that but, when she couldn't keep her lips off me everytime we were alone, I had good reason to keep coming by. I will admit it was quite frustrating to have someone kiss you and then tell you that it should end, and then kiss you again.
When Christmas break came along, Jessica was clear about not having any kind of commitment as we prepared to head home. I had made plans to visit a friend north of her so that stopping by on my way home wouldn't be so hard to accept. Of course, Jessica wouldn't commit to the plans of me stopping by on me way home so, I left thinking I had met the first girl to not find my charm completely addictive. You know they say "time makes the heart grow fonder." Well, withdrawl can be rough and Jessica didn't last long. I got the call and cut my visit short to come by and visit. I think I spent two days at her house before continuing on to my parents' house. I then drove back up (three and a half hours one way) to bring her to my parents' house. She spent two days there before I drove her back up to her parents. I spent hours in the car with nothing else to do but think about her and how I felt about her. I think it was that week I told her I loved her.
Jessica was everything I could have ever hoped for in a wife, a mother, and an eternal partner. When I was with her, I could see what we would be like together and knew that no one else could complete me the way she does. She was not like any of the girls I had dated and I knew that if I was so lucky to be with her, that I was willing to do anything for it. I knew what Jessica wanted and what made her happy. I knew that I could make her happier than anyone else could, whether she knew it or not.
We got back to school from break and Jessica was willing to publicly be involved with me. I started putting the finishing touches on what I would call the biggest sweeping off her feet ever. I am not one that people can read easily and so a lot of things that are not accurate get passed around about me. It was because of this opposition that I knew I had to plan something where Jessica couldn't say no. It was then I started to piece together my proposal. I set the date for Valentine's Day. I pulled some strings and got her ring within a week and, with some help, put together a scavenger hunt. I had notes leading Jessica to all the places that had special importance to us. I had a big vase of a dozen roses waiting for her in the cafeteria where I knew everyone would see them and know they were for her (girls love to get thoughtful gifts but girls love more for other people to know they are getting thoughtful gives). The notes took her to where we first met and ended where we first kissed. I had filled her kitchen with 200 lit candles. This was no easy task when her roommate decided to call the campus police on me for being in their apartment without Jessica being there. There again it pays to know how to use the power of persuasion. Jessica makes her way around campus and back to her apartment to find me standing there in a room full of candles. I got down on my knee and asked her to marry me. Even though Jessica was caught off guard by someone she had met in Nov. now proposing in Feb. I had made it where she couldn't say no. 
From that point on, if we were not in class, we were together. We were happy and in love. To this day, that has not changed. Jessica continues to make me happy. She makes me happy when everything else in the world is going bad. I always look forward to coming home to her. I smile every morning I wake up next to her. There is nothing I like better than being with her. 
Now that you have read all this, I hope you know I could write more. I am so grateful for Jessica and my boys. I don't know what I did to be so blessed but I will forever be in debt because of it. Jessica makes me want to be the best man I can be. She keeps me in line, not by force and not by guilt, but by being such an inspiration to me. Jessica is a great wife and mother. I couldn't have asked for anything better.   

Flight of the Conchords

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sorry to Everyone Else

I have the best of everything. The best wife, the best kids, and the best Gigi and Pap.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Dude my kids is awesome!

This is a picture of my 2yr old son, Noah. He is dribbling a soccer ball on the run with his head up. Some of you might not know how great this is but think of it as you driving a stick shift car while eating and talking on the phone soon after getting your license.  

Told you my kid is awesome.

Friday, March 6, 2009

This is kinda good

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters,

We've stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know that we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and just will not ever agree on what's right. So let's just end it right now while we can do it on friendly terms. We can smile, shake hands, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and each go our own way.

So here's a model separation agreement.

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That's going to be the difficult part, but I'm sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy. Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate taste. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can have those. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. And since you hate guns and you hate war, we'll take the firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. But you are going to be responsible for finding a biodiesel vehicle big enough to haul them around.

We'll keep the capitalism, the greedy corporations, the pharmaceutical companies; we will keep Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have the homeless, the homeboys, the hippies and illegal aliens. We will keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, the greedy CEOS and all of the rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and we'll let you have NBC and Hollywood.

You can be nice to Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer anybody that threatens us. You can have the peaceniks and the war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we will provide them with security. You won't have to worry about it. We will keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley Maclaine. You can also have the UN, but we will no longer pay the bill.

We will keep the SUVs, the pickup trucks and the oversize luxury cars. You can have the compacts, the subcompacts and every Subaru station wagon you can find. You can give everybody healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors. We will continue to believe that healthcare is a privilege and not a right. We will keep "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and the national anthem, and I am sure you will be happy to substitute in their place "Imagine." I'd like to teach the world to sing "Kumbaya" or "We are the world." We will practice trickle-down economics and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot. And since it so offends you, we will keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots. And if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the friendly spirit of parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in about 15 years.


John J Wall

Law student and an American

P.S. You can also have Barbara Streisand and Jane Fonda

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Gun control means using both hands!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Thanks Kevin for sending me this.